Lately I have been coming home from work each day and
drinking bags of chocolate chips. What I do is this: I tip the bag directly
into my mouth and then chew until the pieces are just small enough to swallow. I
do this over and over again. I have become a chocolate beast. (That’s a real
thing.)
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| This lady is a chocolate beast too. It's a pretty gross club. |
Throughout this process of over consumption I have actually built
up a tolerance to chocolate. (ps: Who knew that
could happen? Not I.) After awhile, the chocolate chips alone ceased to satisfy
my chocolate need. As a result, I began shopping the candy bar sales racks at
the drug store. Behaving like this made me feel as if I were a crack addict. (Which
is also a real thing, but I am not actually addicted to crack. Just sugar.
Which kind of acts like crack in my life. A crack substitute, if you will.) But
I wasn’t gaining weight and when I privately admitted my behavior to some of my
close confidantes they laughed at me. Which
made me feel like I was making ok choices since it was funny.
But then last week I hit an all time low. I really felt that I
needed an extra boost of chocolate endorphins and so instead of my typical
sugar rampage I decided to gorge myself on an entire 80% cocoa chocolate bar in
one sitting instead. (In my mind this was ok because really dark chocolate is healthful.) But I found out shortly thereafter that this type of behavior
will make one violently ill. (Becoming violently ill made me feel un-healthful.) It was then that I realized that I have a problem.
As it turns out, it’s possible that I have more than one
problem.
I’m moving away soon and so I don’t care about stuff as much
anymore. Like going to work or having standards, that kind of stuff.
The men that I have been recently attracted to my friends
have been referencing as “mistake # 1” or “mistake # 2” etc. I’ve been falling
asleep in public. I’ve been shopping at Plato’s Closet (which is an establishment
that targets 22 year old prostitutes, if you don’t already know.) I’ve been
opting out of going to the gym to drink mimosas instead. A few days ago I
forgot to get up. (And by “get up” I mean out of bed. But don’t worry,
eventually I left the house and picked up the first movie title that seemed
attractive to me – Seven Psychopaths – as well as a whoopee pie. They were both
good.)
My point is this: drinking chocolate chips has been a
gateway drug to distasteful college behavior. It’s not just marijuana anymore,
friends.
Anyway, I wanted to admit to everyone that I understand my
life is degenerating into a series of bad choices. But I do plan to get better
at being a grown up. Soon.
