drinking bags of chocolate chips

Lately I have been coming home from work each day and drinking bags of chocolate chips. What I do is this: I tip the bag directly into my mouth and then chew until the pieces are just small enough to swallow. I do this over and over again. I have become a chocolate beast. (That’s a real thing.)

This lady is a chocolate beast too. It's a pretty gross club.

Throughout this process of over consumption I have actually built up a tolerance to chocolate. (ps: Who knew that could happen? Not I.) After awhile, the chocolate chips alone ceased to satisfy my chocolate need. As a result, I began shopping the candy bar sales racks at the drug store. Behaving like this made me feel as if I were a crack addict. (Which is also a real thing, but I am not actually addicted to crack. Just sugar. Which kind of acts like crack in my life. A crack substitute, if you will.) But I wasn’t gaining weight and when I privately admitted my behavior to some of my close confidantes they laughed at me. Which made me feel like I was making ok choices since it was funny.

But then last week I hit an all time low. I really felt that I needed an extra boost of chocolate endorphins and so instead of my typical sugar rampage I decided to gorge myself on an entire 80% cocoa chocolate bar in one sitting instead. (In my mind this was ok because really dark chocolate is healthful.) But I found out shortly thereafter that this type of behavior will make one violently ill. (Becoming violently ill made me feel un-healthful.) It was then that I realized that I have a problem.

As it turns out, it’s possible that I have more than one problem.

I’m moving away soon and so I don’t care about stuff as much anymore. Like going to work or having standards, that kind of stuff.

The men that I have been recently attracted to my friends have been referencing as “mistake # 1” or “mistake # 2” etc. I’ve been falling asleep in public. I’ve been shopping at Plato’s Closet (which is an establishment that targets 22 year old prostitutes, if you don’t already know.) I’ve been opting out of going to the gym to drink mimosas instead. A few days ago I forgot to get up. (And by “get up” I mean out of bed. But don’t worry, eventually I left the house and picked up the first movie title that seemed attractive to me – Seven Psychopaths – as well as a whoopee pie. They were both good.)

My point is this: drinking chocolate chips has been a gateway drug to distasteful college behavior. It’s not just marijuana anymore, friends.

Anyway, I wanted to admit to everyone that I understand my life is degenerating into a series of bad choices. But I do plan to get better at being a grown up. Soon.