Just stop it

Has anyone else noticed that couples have started matching again?

I mean, I remember the 80's. Having your sig fig wear the same androgynous clothing was "a thing" back then. But the thing is, stop it.

What about when the dude looks more fem in the outfit then the chick does? 

I was at the mall last weekend and saw three matching couples -- same shirt, same pants, same shoes. Stop it.

Additionally, most of you know that I am scared of Octopuses. However, I am also scared of teeth and nails. 

I am scared of teeth and nails because I think they are gross. Teeth more so than nails, but some people ruin nails for everyone. Recently I saw this.

I've met this guy. He is real and is in relation to my social circle. And I had no idea that these atrocities lay right below the surface of his shoes. I ask you to ponder this: What else are people hiding? 

Check these guys out.
Fuck. What happened to them during their childhoods? That shit is for real. They are all, "I'm going to be Halloween. EVERY DAMN DAY."

Once upon a time, my sister mailed me her tooth. Like, through the US postal system. About a year ago, her tooth rotted and fell out while I was talking to her on the phone. I was horrified that something like this could even happen to someone who wasn't illegally making moonshine in deep Appalachia, but there it was: my own sister having a redneck tooth calamity.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: ...yeah, I made a really great dinner last night. Some folks came over and it was --

Sis: Shit!!

Me: What?! What just happened?

Sis: Uhh, I was eating an apple and all of a sudden I bit down on something hard. It's my tooth.

Me: Shut the fuck up. Your tooth just came out?

Sis: It has been hurting lately,  I'm not surprised.

Me: You're not surprised? You are a grown ass adult. It is completely unacceptable for you to be losing teeth. 

Sis: Oh my god, it smells so bad. Definitely rotten.

Me: What is wrong with you? Why are your teeth so terrible?

Sis: Genetics.

Me: We have the same genetics. My teeth are fine.

Sis: Just wait.

Me: Wait for what? I'm 30 years old and I've never even had a cavity.

Sis: I don't know what to say to you. My children are screaming. I have to go.

Me: Fine.

Sis: Fine.

A week later I got a package of tooth in the mail. Absolutely unacceptable.


Thanks a lot Josh

I hate this song. It's called "If I could have a beer with Jesus." What a dumb name.

It's like, Jesus didn't drink beer. If he drank anything, it would have been wine. Obvi.

Also, does this guy have a black eye under his baseball hat??!!! I think so. Bar fight, I guarantee it. Standard redneck behavior.

I mean seriously, this is the kind of song that gives country music a bad rep. I actually kind of like country music (a guilty-ish pleasure) - I even went to the country music hall of fame. It was okay. I found out some things about pop country culture whilst in Nashville. Did you know that country music fans think it's awesome to wear fishhooks in the bills of their baseball caps? I noticed it ever'where.
like this.

Also, they get fight-y drunk when they drink whiskey (the rednecks). It scares me. Too many country fanatics in one place is fairly terrifying. They are unpredictable. You never know who they might punch in the face next. Point in case: the terrible video I posted above. That guy is borderline famous and even he got hit.

Additional  groupings that make me uncomfortable due to their unpredictable nature: birds up close, people on hallucinogenics, the elderly.

On a not completely unrelated note, one time in 2008 I legit tried to be this for Halloween:

I'm ashamed to say that the Duck Dynasty crew followed through better than my crew did with this concept. We only had three people in our flag and the guy in the middle didn't show up. So me and the other end of the flag had to stuff old rags into the striped jumpsuit that we had painted for Josh (the guy who didn't show up) and we had to carry it around between us all night and it was heavy. Also it didn't "billow" correctly like a flag is supposed to do in the wind. Which was the whole point of the costume. Thanks a lot Josh. You kind of ruined Halloween for me. Forever.


Call Me Maybe

Communication, or the lack thereof, plays a vital role in my daily mishaps here in Turkey. It’s nice to know that whomever I may be talking with will readily try to interpret my pantomimes/ exaggerated gestures – and if that does not work out they will quickly run to find the best English speaker to help them riddle out what the hell I want. But sometimes we (the Turkish stranger and I) have to figure out things the hard way.

Dealing with my cell phone is easily the most challenging thing that I've had to face in Turkey. I can’t decide if I’m just really "bad at cell phones" (absoLUTELY possible), or if this particular situation is exceptional. Nothing about my phone makes sense – not the 13 random texts I receive in Turkish each day, not the miniature screen that is impossible to type upon, not the fact that my phone chooses to call half a dozen random people each and every day without my permission and certainly not the fact that ofttimes it won’t allow me to call and text the folks that I do want to connect with.

I go to Turkcell a couple of times a week to discuss my problems with the employees that speak no English. I bring in handwritten notes (in Turkish) to explain my various situations, because I function in this country as if I were a four year old child. And they respond to me, in like, with handwritten maps explaining their side of the situation.

Here’s an example of what I received the last time I was in:

 So, like, yeah, we don’t get each other. That’s cool. I think there are a lot of things that are just different around here. It’s ok, I usually just shrug it off and whisper quietly to myself, “wtf Turkey.”

I found this posted on a tree at my school last week. 

I like the message. Kicking should not be tolerated on campus. But do you know what I like even more? I believe the child in the PSA pictured above has removed his foot and turned it into a semi-automatic weapon. It also appears that the assaulter has previously removed both of the feet of the assaulted. And YET the victim is still smiling. That's how it is around here folks. People are happy. EVEN in stressful situations. In the very least they will put on a good face.

So what is the point of all of this?? Well, recently I realized something fairly amazing -- each and every morning that I wake up here in Izmir, I feel grateful. I am so grateful to live in a place where the result of my discomfort regularly turns into laughter. I am surrounded by people who want to help me -- which empowers me to try more new things. I am constantly handed opportunities to see things in a different light in this unprecedented stage of my life. 

And you know what? It makes me really happy.

So happy.