Just stop it

Has anyone else noticed that couples have started matching again?

I mean, I remember the 80's. Having your sig fig wear the same androgynous clothing was "a thing" back then. But the thing is, stop it.

What about when the dude looks more fem in the outfit then the chick does? 

I was at the mall last weekend and saw three matching couples -- same shirt, same pants, same shoes. Stop it.

Additionally, most of you know that I am scared of Octopuses. However, I am also scared of teeth and nails. 

I am scared of teeth and nails because I think they are gross. Teeth more so than nails, but some people ruin nails for everyone. Recently I saw this.

I've met this guy. He is real and is in relation to my social circle. And I had no idea that these atrocities lay right below the surface of his shoes. I ask you to ponder this: What else are people hiding? 

Check these guys out.
Fuck. What happened to them during their childhoods? That shit is for real. They are all, "I'm going to be Halloween. EVERY DAMN DAY."

Once upon a time, my sister mailed me her tooth. Like, through the US postal system. About a year ago, her tooth rotted and fell out while I was talking to her on the phone. I was horrified that something like this could even happen to someone who wasn't illegally making moonshine in deep Appalachia, but there it was: my own sister having a redneck tooth calamity.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: ...yeah, I made a really great dinner last night. Some folks came over and it was --

Sis: Shit!!

Me: What?! What just happened?

Sis: Uhh, I was eating an apple and all of a sudden I bit down on something hard. It's my tooth.

Me: Shut the fuck up. Your tooth just came out?

Sis: It has been hurting lately,  I'm not surprised.

Me: You're not surprised? You are a grown ass adult. It is completely unacceptable for you to be losing teeth. 

Sis: Oh my god, it smells so bad. Definitely rotten.

Me: What is wrong with you? Why are your teeth so terrible?

Sis: Genetics.

Me: We have the same genetics. My teeth are fine.

Sis: Just wait.

Me: Wait for what? I'm 30 years old and I've never even had a cavity.

Sis: I don't know what to say to you. My children are screaming. I have to go.

Me: Fine.

Sis: Fine.

A week later I got a package of tooth in the mail. Absolutely unacceptable.


  1. How do you even make a Pop Tart with fingernails that long? Or Poo?

    1. I am sure that they do these things in a very, very upsetting way.