How Not to Impress Your Coworkers

  • Don’t talk to them in small voices or a British accent. I know I know, I think it’s charming when I do it too, but other people hate it. Trust me.
  • Don’t stand inside their office with the door slightly ajar and the lights turned out. It’s funny to see their reactions when they turn on the lights and HEY! there you are, but the thing is, they will hate you.
  • Don’t complain to older co-workers about how strangers are always telling you that you look so young.
  • Don’t steal their lunches. Pretty soon someone will catch you and then you will look cheap AND fat.
If you're going to steal food, just eat in the bathroom.

  • Don’t ask them about their facial inadequacies like pimples or dark circles. I guess they already know that they are there.     
  • Don’t tell them about your dreams. Don’t tell anyone about your dreams. As it turns out, no one cares about your dreams.
  • Don’t high five in passing and then try to catch your co-workers foot “on the flip-side. ” They will never raise their foot high enough for it to work, A, and B sometimes your foot ends up connecting with their face and then you look like an asshole. When really you were just trying to be a homey.

Check out these foot fives! These guys probably had a TON of  practice.
They look really natural .

  • Don't floss your teeth at work. Or in public ever. I guess it's not okay.
  • Don’t dress up like Bart Simpson for the day, even if you have the over-sized head version of the costume.
I think it's funny. Don't you think it's funny?

  • Don't sing. People tell me to stop singing all the time. Especially when I sing -narrate the things going on around me.


  1. I think I'm in trouble. I kinda sing all.day.long. I want to start doing the foot-five. Will you practice with me?

  2. Why are you so funny? Total homey, never asshole.