Friendship resume

Thanks for stopping in. It’s really nice of you to meet me. Before I delve into anything too personal, I feel it would be best if I give you a bit of background knowledge about myself. I've attached my friendship resume below.

Kassandra 

MISSION STATEMENT

I am a friend that is proficient in laughing, lending clothes and sharing ideas. I’m marketing myself towards people who are energetic and who do not get offended when I don’t pick up my phone. I will call you back later, I promise.

EXPERIENCE                       

June 2005 - Present                Asheville, North Carolina

Friend to cohorts, professionals and various links to other acquaintances

·         Vast experience in hula-hooping; can teach different styling to people at various skill levels.

·         Ability to bake many types of pastries as well as a keen insight for when not to bring over offerings in the case of dieting friends.

·         Active member of the Asheville Paranormal Society – willing to give free advice about any paranormal concerns.

·         Profesh at shortening words.

·         Aptitude for adding different endings to wordsies in order to make them sound better.

·         Propensity for creating greeting cards – I have a line available for any occasion, many of which have my certified elementary teacher photographs embedded within.

June 2001 - Present                Fort Collins, Colorado

Friend to co-workers, roommates, neighbors and associates

·         Regularly able to be the designated driver due to quick metabolism thus quick sobriety.

·        Excellent with laughing along with a group even when the meaning of the joke is not abundantly clear and/or funny. This builds camaraderie and self-esteem in others.

·         Ability to lose at sports/games and not panic.

June 1981 - Present                Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti, Michigan

Friend to classmates, siblings and affiliates

·         Talent for swearing humorously and proficiently in a plethora of situations, often used to lighten moods and/or surprise people.

·         Can belch loudly and clearly, sometimes on command. Belches typically rank between a 7&8 on a scale of 1-10 from male friends. Willing and able to keep belching to a minimum upon a request basis.

·         Fluent in lyrics to most pop music circa late 1980’s through 1990’s. Can sing along quietly on car rides and/or whistle on pitch to any melody or harmony desired.

·         Excellent at finding parking spots whether driving or riding as passenger. I would say that I have good ‘parking karma’ but I hate it when people say that because it doesn’t really make any sense.

EDUCATION               
              1991-1994                          A group of quirky misfit ‘tweens 

                1995-1999                                       Cyclical depression and elation

                2000-2005                         Dropping in and out of college 

                2006-present                      Finding friends with a frightening lack of judgment

                                  

References available upon request

I know we don’t really know each other – yet – but I think that you should spend some time putting together a friendship resume too. It will help us learn about one another in a very straightforward manner. I understand that you may not have as many skills as I do, but I encourage you to think outside of your box. Include special things so people can get a good look at who you truly are. Notice that I added accent colors to exemplify my funness. 

I have thought of a couple of things that I would like to see on a resume that a potential friend might hand to me. See if you can use any of these concepts:

v   Pool membership with available guest passes

v  Listening skills

v   Independent wealth

v   Being the owner of a truck (GREAT for when I need to move again and again)

v   Wing-man abilities (for when I’m single)

v   Enjoys giving massages but not receiving them

v   Knowledge of a vast array of trivia for game nights

Maybe you're good at this kind of stuff. You could put it on your resume but I probably wouldn't.