Keepin' it real estate

Hello friends! I am currently on a journey toward home ownership. This article has been written to lay out facts regarding the real estate situation currently at hand in my city of residence, Asheville, NC.

1. Let’s start with some basic background information about me, a potential real estate buyer. First and foremost, I have been poor my entire adult life. In fact, I had a revelation in my mid 20s that technically, I was poor white trash throughout my adolescence as well.

2. While this may seem disconcerting, don’t worry - I’m fine. I am actually pretty good at being poor. Consistently living like a college student for the last twenty years has allowed me to stretch my below-poverty-level income to pretty impressive standards. I’ve got some cashola saved up. Sometimes I even buy organic. Tbh, I truly think of myself as an upstanding global citizen with a keen bargaining sense and budding potential in the financial realm.

3. Problematically, my goddamn landlord won’t fix the natural disaster that sprung up underneath my rental home a little over a year ago. This snafu has encouraged my water bill to buoyantly leap into its wildest dreams - it has landed at approximately $500 per month.

4. However, I am not going to focus on that because my Brene Brown podcast inspires me to be a better person. So I will not tell you the name of my landlord or the successful company that he owns, and I will not discuss the multitude of messages that I have left for him, all of which have been ignored. Did I mention I tried to friend him on Facebook the other day so we could further discuss my issues? I’m still waiting to hear back.

5. So along comes Covid 19 and the entire world shuts down, which is a huge bummer for so many reasons that I am not here to write about. What I am here to write about is my real estate journey, and Covid 19 is where it began. See, here’s the thing: An economic disaster of global proportion is literally the only thing that could make it possible for me to afford a home in the town that I have resided in for 15 years. Being that I work for the government and was not laid off as a result of the pandemic, I realized I had an edge!

6. Please allow me to introduce you to the equation that I have formulated for this very special occasion:

*Ahem*

Global economic crisis + slumlord shirking rental duties = motivation for a Covid 19 project.
Also known as winning.

7. All this being said, I have jumped head first into the house buying market. It has been a chilling experience thus far.

At this point in time I am going to briefly sidebar into things that I have realized that I find intolerable:

a. Small white fences

WHY

WHY

WHY

Back to my original train of thought:

8. When first embarking upon this adventure, I was jubilant. I signed up for Zillow and Trulia and realestate.com. I started cruising the merchandise and found so many beautiful and outrageously priced properties! I realized I needed to fix my settings and take a more calculated approach. Once I did this, my real estate feed was filled with trailers of various shapes, sizes, and permanent states of disrepair. 

9. Who the hell is making all these trailers? 

10. Also, I feel like it is important to mention that I have come across a number of dead body sheds used as a selling point in real estate presentations. People don’t market them as such, but I know what they are. I am a goddamn professional. I listen to a murder podcast.

11. Occasionally, an actual house will pop up that is actually within my price range and isn’t straight up haunted. Typically when this happens, a bidding war develops within 17 minutes of the initial online posting and inevitably, I lose the war. I mostly lose because I don’t participate. The only thing I am willing to be super competitive about at this juncture in time is Uno. But also, I lose because I don’t have a ton of cash y’all! I get by on my charming personality. That’s all the collateral I got.

‘Tough, but cool’ is how I’d like to think 

people think of me. 

12. Rumor has it that these house buyers are all richies from New York who come down to Asheville and buy up all the pretty houses with cold, hard, cash. I don’t know if this rumor is true, but in my heart of hearts, I think it is.

13. So I am playing the waiting game. Will the housing market crash like I have predicted (using a combination of my psychic ability and a total lack of evidence)? Maybe.

14. Full disclosure: I need to tell you that I have created a beautiful pandemic garden at my current address. As a result of this effort, I am kinda into sticking around in my rental throughout the summer to reap the fruits of my lab. (lab is pronounced with a long A sound -- it is short for labor. Obv.) This makes me feel patient and at ease about finding my home when it is ready to find me.

15. Also, I believe that the universe will bring a house to me if I am really nice to people and grateful for what I have. How do you feel about that, New Yorkers?? (Also, sorry for your losses due to the pandemic.) So far I have manifested really lovely financial connections, a real estate agent whom I find delightful, and a great attitude.

At this point I am going to end my real estate presentation. In conclusion, the 15 pieces of data that I have displayed above clearly illustrate the trials and tribulations that I have been through, as well as the final positive note of confidence that is present due to purely insubstantial evidence. If you have any questions, that’s cool. I do too. We should virtually get together and put our questions in a document or something. Stay tuned for an update in the future about where I might live! I love you all!